The Sunday Blues...

I used to love Sundays.  It was our relaxation day, the day we hung out and did nothing together.  Saturdays were great because there was that promise of one more day at home.  One more day to get the housework done, start or finish a project or simply sit on your butt in front of the TV and doze off all day.  Sundays were our days.  And now I feel like I've lost them. 


I hate Sundays.  Sunday means that Monday is coming.  The alarm goes off, the shower comes on and I'm out the door by 7:30.  On to a place I hate and drains every last bit of happy out of me.  This is not just the whole "work sucks" speech.  Yeah, yeah work stinks.  Who cares?  We would all love to be doing something else with our time, that's just a given.  But when work starts to make you not only dislike every second of your week day but also who you are when you're there, something is painfully wrong.  That's where I'm at.  That's who I've become. 


At home, I'm happy.  I'm not even sure how many times I've said that this week.  But it's true.  As soon as I leave at 5:00 and head to my house I feel like everything is finally ok.  That weight that sits on my shoulders when I get to the office in the morning lifts and I actually feel like I can smile.  I don't smile at work anymore.  Not much anyway.  And don't look at me sideways because I will start crying.  Actually start crying.  And it's an all day thing.  And last week, it was an all week thing.  Every day the same.  Every day picking away at who I am. 


It's Sunday right now and I'm anxious, nervous, on edge.  I want the time to stop so I don't have to go.  I wish I was the kind of person that would call in sick when I'm not.  Hell, at this point, I wish I was actually sick.  But I'm not.  And I'm not the person that lies and says I am.  Even now, when I hate it this much, I can't pull that prank.  I can't tell that fib.  So I watch the clock and know that I am another minute, two minutes, ten minutes, an hour closer to tomorrow.  How sad is it to already hate tomorrow and it's not even here yet?  That place has stolen my tomorrows. 


And it's stolen my Sundays.  And even my Saturday nights.  I actually got upset last night because today was coming and it would lead to tomorrow.  Crazy, right?  I know it sounds that way.  I know you probably think you have the answer to my problem--it's all so simple right?  You're wrong.  Nothing is that simple.  Not right now.  And probably not for the next little bit.  So I have to deal.  I have to go and suck it up and do a good job so that I can have a job.  I have to sit there and focus on what's in front of me so that I can keep what's on my mind quieted enough to make it through the day.  Have you ever had to do that?  To push something to the back of your mind even though it is screaming to get to the front?  It's hard.  And it's exhausting.  I'm exhausted. 


I want my Sundays back.